Batfic: Stolen Dick (Bruce/Dick)
Jun. 8th, 2007 11:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lady_bug_kayTitle: Stolen Dick (Bruce/Dick)
Author: ladybugkay
Summary: Epilogue to “Everybody Wants Dick” series. Crack!fic. The villains have stolen Nightwing and argue about who gets to make him all ‘dirty.’ And then his owner shows up. In the running: Joker, Harley Quinn, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, and Catwoman, who snuck over to the dark side for this little caper. To the rescue: Batman and Robin.
Warnings: I suppose PG-13 for language and sexual insinuations.
Disclaimer: DC would never be so careless as to let me have them.
A/N: Reading order: First is “Everybody Wants Dick,” second is either “Giving Dick the Good News” OR “Dick Gets a Say (sort of),” and this is the optional epilogue. It’s a pointless little ending, but someone suggested the villains speak up about Nightwing, and well, a few good lines popped into my head. Sadly, those remained the only good lines. I think that’s because the villains behave this way normally; it’s more fun to see the heroes get all snippy and selfish. Ah, well. I send it out into the void, regardless of quality. Read or ignore at your own whim.
“Oh, look. He’s waking up. Who’s a pretty bird?”
“Wonderful. I’ve died and gone to Lunatics ’Я Us. So glad to be here.”
“I can’t tell you how heady it is to have you all tied up for our pleasure, Nightwing.”
“Joker. Which hell froze over to bring this merry little band together?”
“Oh, Mister J! Can I have Nightwing? Pretty please? I’ll feed him and exercise him and everything.”
“Harley! What happened to your devotion? Your unfailing loyalty to the magnificence that is me?”
“My guess? The girl knows a real man when she sees one in black skintight clothing.”
“Yes, so much more appealing than the Crayola extravaganza he used to run around in, don’t you think, Selina?”
“Hey! I resent that, Ivy. Have you seen Harley, lately?”
“There is something to be said for the sheer brevity of his first costume. Half of me is very much a leg man.”
“Why don’t you just go home and flip your coin,
“There she goes again. Would someone tell Our Lady of Perpetual Vines she needs a new hobby? She’s so tedious when she waxes poetic about plants. Everyone knows she’s a one-note villain.”
“At least I am a villain and not some Batman-groupie with kleptomania issues. Thirteen year old girls are about as evil as you are, Catwoman. Theft does not a villain make.”
“No, but kidnapping with intent to ravish Bat Junior definitely puts a puss in those boots. Wouldn’t you say so, beauty?”
“Hands! Hands!”
“My apologies, Nightwing. You know my weakness for stolen…goods.”
“I really hate being captured. It’s so much more fun when Batman ties me up.”
“Ah, my pretty little bird-boy. I have such fond memories of our time together; just me and Robin at my tender mercies.”
“Uh, Mister J? Wrong Robin.”
“Er, yes. Of course. But I have always had a unique connection with Robin.”
“You mean that time your hand uniquely connected with my ass?”
“Ahem. Yes, well, anyway…”
“But we don’t want to kill or torture this Robin. We want to strip him naked and molest him in all sorts of delicious ways. A judicious application of my latest pollen and let the best—and most environmentally friendly—villain win.”
“Oh, for the love of—. Look. I’ve already been through this with my side, and Batman won. I’ve got the tattoo above my ass to prove it: Property of the Bat.”
“Now that’s something I’d actually pay to see.”
“I always knew Catwoman had to pay for it.”
“Hssss!”
“We love a good catfight.”
“Harvey,
“Ladies, a little decorum, please. What will a fine young man like our Mr. Wing say about this?”
“How about an oldie but goodie: ‘You’ll never get away with this! Batman will stop you.’”
“While we’re waiting, I’ll just go make us all some tea, shall I?”
“We dated you, Ivy. We have no intention of drinking anything with your herbs in it.”
“Impotence is merely one possible side effect, Harv.”
“To think I complained about having a bunch of superheroes after my ass. Where’s a horny stalker from the good side when you need one?”
“Who were the illustrious contenders on your side?”
“Well, the heavy hitters were Arsenal, Superman, Batman, the former Batgirl, and the latest Robin.”
“Batman beat out Superman?”
“Yeah, he’s been pretty smug about it.”
“I’m sure. Batman’s never been above a little gloating.”
“Let him go.”
“Batsy! What a stunningly original line.”
“Speak of the Dark Knight. Opted out of the stealth approach, did you, Batman?”
“Did they touch you?”
“No. Well, Selina got in a good grope, but I’m not hurt, no.”
“Robin, get up here and cut Nightwing loose. I’ll take care of our friends.”
“Now, Batman. You can’t honestly expect a girl not to steal something when it looks that good.”
“If I tossed you off a roof this high, it wouldn’t matter if you landed on your feet.”
“Hiya, Robin. It’s about time you got here. I think there’s something in
“Is there some reason Batman is just letting them all run away? Usually he, you know, tries to stop them.”
“I think he’s too busy beating the crap out of Selina. We had a little encounter with inappropriate touching that I probably shouldn’t have mentioned to B—. Hey! Hands! Hands!”
“What? I was just untying you.”
“Uh-huh. It would serve you right if I told him about this, you know.”
“Told me about what?”
“Nothing! Nothing, Batman. Nightwing was just joking, right, Nightwing?”
“…Sure. Uh, Batman? You didn’t kill her, did you?”
“No, she’s just unconscious. But she won’t be touching you again, don’t worry. She should have known better than to steal from Batman.”
“I told them about the tattoo, but they wouldn’t listen to me.”
“Perhaps we should add the Bat-symbol to your uniform and not just your mask.”
“Above or below the blue stripe?”
“I’m thinking the same place as the tattoo.”
“Isn’t that a little obvious?”
“Your point?”
“Right. Obvious it is. Oh, and Bruce, I’d rather not be the one sitting next to Robin on the way home. Did I tell you my theory about something being in the water?”
“You can tell me in the morning. There are other things I intend for us to do tonight.”
“You know what? On second thought, forget the water. Robin, you don’t mind driving, right? Batman and I will be in the back seat.”
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Date: 2007-06-09 11:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-10 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-09 12:09 pm (UTC)I loved this so very much.
And the tatoo on his back side! *falls over dead*
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Date: 2007-06-10 01:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-09 03:40 pm (UTC)I have GOT to stop drinking while reading your fics.
*giggles with glee*
This was wonderfully, light-heartedly funny and I loved every second of it.
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Date: 2007-06-10 01:42 am (UTC)Sorry about the drinking thing. If I ever write funny again, I'll put a warning.
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Date: 2007-06-09 06:32 pm (UTC)You had all the villains' voices down, too. And who could blame Catwoman for slipping over to the dark side for this little caper? ;)
I love the idea of the tattoo and now Bruce contemplating putting the Bat-symbol on Nightwing's costume.
And, yeah, Dick's 'Crayola extravaganza' sure had its advantages, considering its skimpiness! :)
I laughed through this whole fic! You do humor very well! :)
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Date: 2007-06-10 01:43 am (UTC)I actually had problems with the villain's voices for a long time until I just decided to go all out and make them as petty as possible. Hope that worked!
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Date: 2007-06-10 01:44 am (UTC)I love it when people tell me things like this. Thank you!!
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Date: 2007-06-10 01:57 am (UTC)Entertaining as always!! :)
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Date: 2007-06-10 12:31 pm (UTC)And I don't think the Batmobile even has a backseat, and I doubt three could fit in it in that way, but I figured what the hell? This is crack!fic, after all.
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Date: 2007-06-10 01:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-14 12:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-10 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 06:54 am (UTC)Thank you. I got a kick, myself, out of the groping. Bad, bad Robin!
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Date: 2007-07-01 10:56 pm (UTC)*Ahem* Another excellent job!
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Date: 2007-07-01 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-02 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-02 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 04:37 am (UTC)I mean, well done as per usual! xD Had me nearly in tears from imagining this. Oh posessive Bruce. I love it.
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Date: 2007-11-07 04:51 am (UTC)So glad you're enjoying these, and thank you, thank you, for commenting on each one. You've made my night!!
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Date: 2007-11-07 05:24 am (UTC)You're more than welcome, I know how much it means to get feedback on stories and I felt compelled to respond to everything because I was enjoying it so much. I am sure to have the most amazing dreams tonight thanks to you! xD
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Date: 2007-11-07 05:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 05:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 05:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 05:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-07 06:14 am (UTC)-cough-
I mean, I bet Bruce thinks that about Dick all the time, but will never say it because he's a Bat, and Bats don't tell anyone how they feel.
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Date: 2007-11-07 01:41 pm (UTC)Yes, yes, he does. How did you know? Except you're right that it's not out loud. It's in that special Bat-language, the one that's all about body language and possessive tendencies. And, you know, lots and lots of orgasms.
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Date: 2010-11-22 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-25 03:26 am (UTC)