Superman/Batfic: I Never (Bruce/Clark)
Jul. 4th, 2007 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lady_bug_kayTitle: I Never
Author: ladybugkay
Pairing: Bruce/Clark
Fandom: DCU and Smallville
Rating: R for language and sexual references
Word Count: 495
Summary: Crack!fic. Superman and Batman play a drinking game. The one where if you have done the something mentioned, you drink. If you’ve ‘never,’ you don’t.
Disclaimer: DC and Gough & Millar own them. I’m playing.
A/N: This idea snuck into my head while I was out buying milk, and I had to write it down. Sorry?
“Tell me again why we’re doing this,
“To improve team communication and foster trust among co-workers.”
“…”
“It’s true! Perry made us do this last year.”
“…right.”
“I’ll go first. I never…had sex with someone I was trying to have arrested.”
“Isn’t this game usually played with more than two people?”
“Shut up and drink, Bruce.”
“Fine. I never had my ass ogled by my arch-nemesis.”
“Low blow! Okay. I never forgot where I parked my car and had to design a guidance system to bring the car to me.”
“It was a purely tactical decision.”
“And yet you’re drinking.”
“Hmm. I never got so turned on by an educational film I set fire to the screen.”
“It was the substitute teacher, not the film, and I was sixteen! How the hell did you find out about that, anyway?”
“I am a detective, Clark.”
“Damn Bat. Well, I never pretended to see a signal in the sky just to get my friends to leave early.”
“That one is you, too,
“…oh, right.”
“Ha. I never accidentally destroyed an office building in a fight for my life and blamed it on the bad guy.”
“Uh-uh. That’s yours, too. Remember when you lost control of the Batmobile and crashed into that store and told the Commissioner it was Harley’s fault?”
“Hmm.”
“Yes! Let’s see. I never made a pocket in the utility belt for condoms because I was hoping I’d get lucky.”
“I never waited to have sex until I was out of high school.”
“…”
“Why aren’t you drinking,
“You know how I ran away to Metropolis the summer before junior year?”
“My, my. Superman had himself some underage sex?”
“Bruce.”
“Who was the lucky girl?”
“…”
“More than one?”
“…”
“How many,
“…”
“Oh. I never had sex with another man?”
“You’re drinking, too, Bruce?”
“…”
“Wow. Um. Okay. I never…had a crush on someone in the League.”
“Are you trying to get us both drunk, now?”
“…maybe.”
“Fine. I never checked out Batman in the showers.”
“Oooh. Here we go. I never put surveillance equipment in Superman’s bedroom.”
“I never used my superhearing to eavesdrop on my best friend having sex.”
“I never made a recording of my best friend masturbating and watched it every night for a week.”
“… You know about that?”
“I…may have been observing you.”
“Every night for a week,
“You have footage of me with my hand on my cock!”
“And you watched me watch you with my hand on mine.”
“… Does it mean I’m drunk if I understood that?”
“Do you want to be drunk right now,
“Not so much.”
“Good. Now get over here. Condoms aren’t all I have in that pocket of the belt.”
“I never said no to an invitation that good.”
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Date: 2007-07-05 03:31 am (UTC)Great work!
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Date: 2007-07-05 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2007-07-05 04:27 am (UTC)Very amusing!
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Date: 2007-07-05 06:48 am (UTC)I really have no excuse for this fic. The first line came to me and then the rest, and I just. I have no excuse.
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Date: 2007-07-05 04:31 am (UTC)My favorite one had to be Clark watching Bruce watching a footage of him masturbating, that's like vouyerism x2!
I had fun reading this so thanks for writing it :).
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Date: 2007-07-05 06:51 am (UTC)Yes, yes. Batman is a big, fat voyeur. And Clark? Well, come on. He has superhearing and x-ray vision. He can move faster than the eye can see. You know he's peeped more than a few times over the years. It's double the voyeurism in half the time. With a dash of exhibitionism on Clark's part because he's watching Bruce watch HIM.
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Date: 2007-07-05 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-05 06:53 am (UTC)Even if they are utter crack, they're much easier on my brain than the ones where I sit and struggle and agonize over and over again about what to say.
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From:no subject
Date: 2007-07-05 05:16 am (UTC)great work! :)
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Date: 2007-07-05 06:55 am (UTC)So I'm very glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for commenting. :)
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Date: 2007-07-05 09:47 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2007-07-05 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 08:57 am (UTC)This is a classic example of a place where dialogue-only works well--it snaps along so nicely and forces the reader to imagine the expressions. So fun!
“And you watched me watch you with my hand on mine.”
“… Does it mean I’m drunk if I understood that?”
*howls of laughter* I had to actually stop and puzzle it through a bit, and I'm stone sober. It was fun to parse it, however!
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Date: 2007-07-06 10:04 am (UTC)As for Bruce's little mind-teaser line, well. I think you'd only get it right away if you WERE drunk. Or at least on a Bat-brainwave. Hmm. Is that the same thing, I wonder?
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Date: 2007-07-06 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-06 08:12 pm (UTC)nice one.
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Date: 2007-07-06 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-07 07:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-07 12:48 pm (UTC)Thanks for commenting, and for loving this silly, cracky little thing.
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Date: 2007-07-08 01:54 pm (UTC)Way too funny.
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Date: 2007-07-08 05:07 pm (UTC)I mean, Superman and Batman getting drunk? In their costumes? (Which they so still have on). Priceless stuff.
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Date: 2008-05-01 09:27 pm (UTC)I now have a vision of batman playing fuzzy duck...brain melting..
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