BSGfic: What Didn't Happen (Kara/Lee)

[lady_bug_kay]

 Title: What Didn't Happen
Author: ladybugkay
Fandom: BSG
Pairing: Kara/Lee
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1967
Summary: When Starbuck dies, what happens to Apollo? (Warning: a bit melodramatic)
Disclaimer: Ron Moore owns them. Didn't you know? But he lets me play with them.
A/N: Written before "Maelstrom," but apparently the good people of BSG had the same idea about how Starbuck might die, and funnily enough, what I've written can pretty much fit into canon. Italicized portions are actual dialogue taken directly from the show and are not written or owned by me. Also, this was not only my first BSG fic, but also my very first fanfic, period. As such, it's not worth much. But, hey, it took my fandom virginity, and I wanted to clean up my hard drive.

He hears it in her voice before he sees it happen.

 

“Lee . . .”

 

And then he sees her Viper explode.

 

Would you miss me, sir?

                    

No. That didn’t happen. Couldn’t happen. Would never happen. He knows this. If he knows anything, he knows this. It was someone else’s Viper, then, maybe someone who used to be on the Pegasus. If it happened at all. Which it didn’t. So he was mistaken, and that hadn’t happened. Not to her.

 

In fact, he can hear the whole universe agree that it had not happened: No, it says. Nonononononono. It’s a steady litany in his ears, drowning out the sounds of the voices over the comm. And Lee sits and contemplates how everyone knows that the impossible cannot happen, which is the very reason why it is impossible.

 

But things are still confused in his head; the impossible and the possible are at war with each other, and he can’t seem to make things align the way they should. Desperate to find a way to make things be the way they ought to be, he doesn’t realize that he has made it back to Galactica until he feels someone remove his helmet. It’s only then that he becomes aware that what he’s hearing isn’t the universe rejecting what he had seen (what he hadn’t seen—what didn’t happen), because he can hear himself clearly now.

 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no . . .” He knows he is the one saying it, now, but he isn’t sure why (nothing had happened; there was nothing to deny), and he can’t seem to stop.

 

Kara. Kara will know. Kara knows him better than anyone. (Same old Lee). Kara will explain what is going on. Kara will help him stop saying this thing that makes no sense, stop seeing this thing that had not happened. If all else fails, she will use her fists to make it stop. (I’m getting the urge to strike another superior asshole). Kara is always there when he really needs her.

 

I’m done, Kara.

I’m not.

 

And he always needs her.

 

So Lee scans the hangar deck, looking for Kara, but he can’t see her anywhere. (Of course you lost contact. It’s a damn stealth ship, remember?) Her Viper isn’t here, either, so she must be out on CAP, although he can’t remember scheduling her for today. He could wait to talk to her, he supposes, but he’s getting rather sick of listening to his own voice, so he asks someone to patch him through to Starbuck.

 

In the silence that follows, he realizes that he has inadvertently managed to stop the stream of words on his own. It’s almost funny, now, that he was actually considering asking Kara to hit him for once, and he reminds himself to tell her all about it the next time he sees her. She’ll get a kick out of it. She’ll probably try to knock him out anyway and claim she was only following orders.

 

He is grateful not to have to resort to Starbuck’s violent assistance (though there is still that thing he keeps seeing that hadn’t actually happened, but he can deal with only one problem at a time). So Lee smiles to himself as he climbs out of the cockpit and heads toward the pilots’ quarters, not noticing the way every person he passes on the way takes a step back from what they see in his face.

 

*          *          *

 

Closing the hatch behind him, Lee thinks a moment and then sits down on Kara’s bunk. He decides to wait for her, after all, and he wants to make sure he won’t miss her when she walks in. He thinks he should probably have a reason to be sitting here waiting for her, and it’s easy to find one. She’s still pushing the limits since she made it off New Caprica, even though his father managed to kick her ass back in line, and Lee resolves to have a good, satisfying shouting match with her just as soon as she comes in. After, she might even end up telling him what happened to her during the Occupation.

 

They are always closest after their fights. After the last one, the one that was physical and not verbal, they couldn’t even stand by themselves, didn’t want to stand by themselves, so they held each other in the middle of the screaming crowd, not moving and not caring who was watching. That was his favourite fight. He would never tell her, even though she probably already knows, but he enjoys their confrontations almost as much as he is certain she does, and he decides right now that they are due for another round. He wonders how this one will end.

 

Behind his eyes, a viper explodes.

 

Lee blinks. Shakes his head hard to clear it.

 

On second thought, maybe he won’t yell at her tonight. She’ll be upset about losing one of their pilots. He wishes he could remember who it was they lost today, but it doesn’t really matter. Kara will still be a wreck, not that she’ll say so, and she’ll be blaming herself. So maybe instead of yelling, they’ll drink. Interesting things happen when he and Kara drink together.

 

KARA THRACE LOVES LEE ADAMA!

 

Sometimes when they’re drunk together, they get mean (There is nothing here!), but mostly they get honest. If he were honest with himself, he’d admit that he likes her even when she’s mean, though he likes her better when she’s honest.

 

We’re saving humanity for a bright shiny future on Earth that you and I are never gonna see.

 

On the other hand, maybe he likes her better mean. There are some things that should never be put into words, into possibilities (impossibilities).

 

“Lee . . .”

 

His head turns so fast he feels like he’s back in his Viper, but there’s no one there. He could have sworn he heard Kara say his name, but he can’t see her. He is imagining things again. Of course, it isn’t Kara. She has never spoken his name in that tone before, as if she were seeing . . . (but no, that didn’t happen).

 

Unsettling images churn and tumble in his head as his mind winces away from memories—thoughts—nightmares of terrible things that did not happen.

 

“Kara . . .”

 

*          *          *

 

Hours later, when Hot Dog and Racetrack climb through the hatch, Lee is still sitting on Kara’s bunk, waiting, and when he asks them if they’ve seen her, neither one of them can think of a word to say to him. It takes them a long time to fall asleep, and the last thing Hot Dog sees is Lee wide awake on the edge of Starbuck’s rack. In the morning, Lee is still sitting there, but he is gone when Hot Dog returns from the ceremony that afternoon, and not even his wife is quite sure where to find him.

 

Two days later, when Colonel Tigh reviews the new duty roster and sees that Lee has scheduled Starbuck for CAP with him, the Colonel takes the roster to the Admiral, who flinches a moment before ordering someone to bring Apollo to his office. No one knows what Admiral Adama says to his son—and neither one of them wants to try to remember, later—but after he comes out, Lee stops asking people if they’ve seen Starbuck.

 

It seems that that thing that couldn’t happen, that didn’t happen . . . did. He heard it in her voice before he saw it, but now he can’t hear her voice at all, and he can’t stop seeing it happen, and despite what his father said and what he knows, he can’t quite make himself believe it.

 

It’s good to be wrong.

 

So he takes to sleeping in Kara’s rack, sharing her locker, praying with her idols. And he refolds the picture on her mirror so that you can see only her and him, Kara and Lee.

 

Lee Adama loves me. No, seriously, it’s very sweet. You love me.

 

They aren’t looking at each other in the picture, but that doesn’t matter. They both know the other is always there (You can’t take it back; there’s no take-backs). Eye-contact, like bright, shiny futures, is overrated. It occurs to him that no one really looks at anyone, anymore, anyway, and he believes this because no one will look him in the eye, now. What he doesn’t know is that no one meets his eyes because they can’t bear what they see in them, or maybe what they don’t see. Lee has stopped asking if anyone has seen Starbuck, but that doesn’t mean he has stopped looking.

 

He keeps being the CAG (I’m not a big enough dipstick for the job), because he is Lee Adama, or at least he used to be, but he’s stopped talking to anyone unless it is absolutely necessary. He walks past Dee now without even noticing she is there, and someone finds his wedding ring in the bottom of the showers. He refuses to see his father and meets with Colonel Tigh, instead, although one day he seriously considers punching the XO in the face just in case there’s a chance he might find her in hack. (Remind me to send you to the brig later.) It isn’t that he hasn’t checked there, already, it’s just that he thinks she might be there now when she wasn’t before. Kara has never been entirely predictable.

 

*          *          *

 

Every day, he takes more risks when he’s flying, challenging more Raiders, pulling heart-stopping maneuvers worthy of Starbuck at her finest and most reckless, as if he is still certain that she has his back.

 

I need every pilot I have, even the screw-ups.

 

Every day, he crawls a little closer to the edge. And every day, when he makes it back, he slides beneath her blankets, lays his head on her pillow, and prays to her idols to help him find her the next day.

 

I missed you.

I missed you, too. I missed you, too.

- 

 

Comments

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

OMG this was just hauntingly beautiful and sad and tragic and WOW - really well done...and this was your first? Well, I thought it was fantastic, and I've been reading fanfic (from many different fandoms) since Buffy Season 5 was airing on tv (afraid to admit I don't remember what year that was - we were living in CA so it was at least 6 or 7 years ago)anyway, I thought it was extremely well done so as far as it not being worth much - I cannot wait to see what you come up with as you keep writing, because if this is how you start...WOW!

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Wow, thanks! Yeah, it was my very first fanfic. I've written more and posted those since then, but I held back on this one because as much as I loved it after the first final read-through, subsequent reviews of it left me feeling like it was lacking something. So I'm so very happy you enjoyed it.

Thank you for the unbelievably wonderful feedback; it made my day. *hugs you*

[lint138.livejournal.com]

Why you don't write BSG all the time is beyond me. This is brilliant, pure and simple.

"Eye-contact, like bright, shiny futures, is overrated. It occurs to him that no one really looks at anyone, anymore, anyway, and he believes this because no one will look him in the eye, now."

I LOVED this especially. Such poignance interject with their banter as well. EXCELLENT.

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Thanks! BSG started me in the world of fanfic (reading and writing), and although I seem to have taken a bit of a hiatus--as you know with the Kara/Karl fic--the bug has bitten me again with a vengeance. So I think I can safely say, expect to see more BSGfic from me.

And thanks so much for reading and commenting; your feedback always makes me smile. And blush. :)

[cherylad.livejournal.com]

This was incredibly, hauntingly, gut-wrenchingly sad! And beautiful in its way. Thank you for sharing this.

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your beautiful feedback. It made me blush. I was worried it might come across as too melodramatic--especially with it being my first fanfic, from way back when--but I am very relieved at the positive reception.

So thank you ever so much for your kind words and for taking the time to respond.

[reynard-muldrak.livejournal.com]

Melodramatic? With Apollo and Starbuck everything is melodramatic.

As for first fanfic- I wish my own first was written as well as this.
Loved the image of Apollo looking everywhere for Starbuck, as I can easily see him doing that, esp after the part in the ep where he calls Racetrack 'starbuck'....

Also, if only the part about Lee taking more risks in the air, cause 'she has his back', was used in the series, this happens to be my favourite part of the story.

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

I'm so very happy you enjoyed this. When, in the show, Lee called Racetrack "Starbuck," I was terribly excited, because it's in the little moments without her that you know Lee is dying the most.

>>"Also, if only the part about Lee taking more risks in the air, cause 'she has his back', was used in the series, this happens to be my favourite part of the story."

Thank you for that. It was just a little tiny thing when I wrote it, but if it turned out to be your favourite part, that makes me happy. I always love hearing about what people like the most in something I've written.

[jandjsalmon.livejournal.com]

Wow! This is gorgeous. Weird that most of my very favourite BSG fics are stories that deal with exactly this... the fallout after Kara died.

Really Really well done! ;)

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I enjoy fics concerned with the time after Kara's death (supposed or actual) because it's a wonderful opportunity to explore her impact on everyone around her, and the way in which she influenced who they were and what their lives were like. Let's face it: she is the show. Which is why I knew they had to bring her back.

[hitwoman.livejournal.com]

Wow. That seriously made me cry. Absolutely gorgeous!

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Really? I made you cry? *twirls madly through the room*

Sorry, but if it hit you hard, then I'm happy, because it was all about how hard it hit Lee. Thanks for commenting! :)

[bsgficlurker.livejournal.com]

You write very beautifully. Really liked this though my heart was breaking right along with Lee's. Great job.

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.