lady_bug_kay: (pic#66046860bj)
[personal profile] lady_bug_kay
Title: Every F-ing Morning
Author: ladybugkay
Fandom: Queer as Folk (US)
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Rating: R (for language; many instances of the f-bomb, in case in the title didn't give it away)
Word Count: 671
Warnings: Major Character Death (sorry!)
Summary: Sometime in the future, Justin talks to Brian. (post 513)
Disclaimer: Showtime and Cowlip and Russell T. Davies own the characters. I'm just writing for entertainment purposes.
A/N: My first QAF fic. I recently purchased the last season of QAF and have been feeding my post-513 hunger with fic, so I suppose it was inevitable that I turn to writing it. How much do I love this fandom that keeps going years after the show is finished? I found the quotation in a lovely QAF fic by allie-quixotic called "Without You" and this idea popped into my head. Also, I've never written a first-person fanfic before, nor have I written a first-person apostrophic fic, which is what this is, I guess.


Every Fucking Morning

Your absence has gone through me

Like thread through a needle

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

-W.S. Merwin, “ Separation”

 

 

I hate this, you know. I hate everything about this. I hate that I woke up one morning and remembered you weren’t there, anymore, and that I wake up every morning, and every morning it’s the same. Every fucking morning. I wake up, and I remember you aren’t here, and I don’t know why I forget, anymore. No one should have to find out daily that someone they love is dead, but that’s my fucking life, now. Every fucking morning.

 

Every night I go to sleep, and I want you. Here. With me. In our bed. In my arms. You’re not here, and I want you to be, and I love you so fucking much I hate you for that. And I go to sleep, and I dream, and whether the dreams are good or bad, they’re always about you. You’re lodged within every moment like some bullet in a fucking spine that the body’s grown around.

 

And somewhere between sleep and awake, I forget. I forget that you’re gone and that I’ll never find my legs tangled with yours again. I forget that it’s been so long there’s nothing left here that smells like you, anymore. I forget that I keep buying the cologne you used to wear and sprinkling it on the pillows and the sheets, and that it doesn’t fucking help because it never smells quite right. There’s something missing, and it’s you, and it’s all the fucking time, and when I wake up, that hint of you that lives in my head pops up just long enough for me to take a breath, and then your absence slams into me like a semi into a semi-compact.

 

It’s been so long, and I don’t know why I forget, what trick of my fucked-up, bat-to-the-head brain makes me forget just to remember all over again. It never fucking stops. You never go away. I don’t want you to, but they all keep telling me you will, that you should, that fucking forgetting you is the way to move on. But I don’t want to move on, and I don’t know how many times I have to tell them that before they start to believe me and just leave me the fuck alone.

 

Do you remember when you used to wake me up with one of those languid blow jobs? The kind that kept me just on the edge of coming until I was practically crying?

 

Did you know that waking up with you was my favourite fucking thing in the whole goddamned world? Did you know that?

 

So fuck you for leaving. Fuck you for dying on me, you asshole. You’ve been my whole life for too many goddamned years to count, now, and this death shit was never part of the deal.

 

I still see you in the corners of the room and on the edges of my sight. I still feel you on the back of my neck and through the ends of my hair. I still hear you behind me and just around the corner. You’re in every fucking stroke of my brush, every smudge of charcoal, every trail of my pencil. You’re not fucking gone, and I wish people would stop telling me that you are. It’s a fucking joke, is what it is.

 

The funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, except that you’re not around to laugh at it. And things just aren’t that funny without you. They never have been.

 

And every fucking morning I wake up, and you’re not here, and I remember.

 

And I hate you, just a little, for that, because I still love you so goddamned much, and I always have. I always will. I live for that moment, that split second in time, between sleep and awake, when I forget. When you’re there. When you’re here, you’re right here beside me, and that’s all I need.

 

Every fucking morning, just before I remember, I forget, and if that’s all I have, now, I’ll take it.

 

Every fucking morning.

Date: 2007-09-12 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eliriel.livejournal.com
I knew I would be crying by now,but I read it anyway.It's absolutely heartbreaken,but I loved it.If someone I love that much Justin loves Brian,died...I surely would be like him.Perfect.
Hugs,
Liri

Date: 2007-09-12 09:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thanks so much! I've been a QAF fan for years and years, but only recently discovered online fandom. There are so many good B/J fics out there that it's a little intimidating, but I took a shot, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Even if I did make you cry. *hands you a tissue*

Date: 2007-09-12 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aimee-br.livejournal.com
*sigh*
Just the thought of that kills me.

Very well done!

Date: 2007-09-12 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you. I didn't intend to kill Brian off in my first venture into QAF fic, but when the muse bites you...

Date: 2007-09-12 09:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kittykat2305.livejournal.com
That was so sad. Poor Justin, you could really feel his anger and pain. Good story though, even if it did make me want to cry.

I know you had mentioned you only recently found the online fandom, but do you happen to have anything else, I would love to read it if you do, or if you are planning on it? Can I friend you?

Date: 2007-09-12 10:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Sorry I made you cry, but I'm glad you liked the fic.

I do intend to write more Brian/Justin stories, although this is the only one I have finished at the moment. Please, go ahead and friend me, if you want to. Be forewarned that I also write in the DCU and BSG fandoms, though, so you'll be getting notices about those, as well, until I post the next QAF story. But I'm always happy to be friended! :)

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From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-09-12 11:20 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2007-09-12 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mhairipittet.livejournal.com
well tears were there at the end. Great writing

Date: 2007-09-12 10:53 pm (UTC)

Stunned!

Date: 2007-09-12 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redrose-7272.livejournal.com
*wipes away tear quickly and quietly* I do it before anyone of my co-workers notices! No!No! My Brian gone oh no the thought makes shudder! It was beautifully written though! Poor Sunshine!

Re: Stunned!

Date: 2007-09-12 10:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
*hands you a tissue discreetly*

Thank you for your wonderful comments. On average, I write more happy fics, but every so often the angst bug bites me and poor Brian got the short end of the stick here. Or, maybe it was Justin, who is so very broken. :(

Date: 2007-09-12 09:47 pm (UTC)

Date: 2007-09-12 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
*hugs you*

Date: 2007-09-12 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kari77.livejournal.com
OMG ... *is a crying mess* Thank god that it is so short. Because I wouldn't have been able to see the last paragraphs anyway ...
It is so powerful and palpable and I agree: it's the way Justin would express his pain. As passionate as he loves.

These lines seriously killed me:
I forget that I keep buying the cologne you used to wear and sprinkling it on the pillows and the sheets, and that it doesn’t fucking help because it never smells quite right.
and
I live for that moment, that split second in time, between sleep and awake, when I forget.

So good!
Thanks for sharing. :-)

P.S.: Finding these great fics all around here and starting to write was the best part after the post-513-depression for me. ;-)

Date: 2007-09-12 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
I feel so badly for making people cry, and I guess it is a good thing this is little more than a drabble. It almost made me cry when I wrote it, and I am kind of proud of it, especially with the feedback I've been getting.

Thanks for telling me which lines you found the most powerful; I always enjoy hearing which parts speak to people the most.

And I agree with you about the post-513 depression; I wasn't aware of fandom yet when the show ended, but I recently purchased the season 5 DVDs and I definitely needed the bright light after the dark of 513. Thank heaven for fanfic, is all I can say.

Date: 2007-09-12 11:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] court1429.livejournal.com
You forgot to add that Brian was 95 and Justin's 83 and they've been together for 65 years. Because that's the only acceptable way for them to die, kthnx. ;)

Very nice, weepy ficlet. I'm glad you posted.

Date: 2007-09-13 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
>>"You forgot to add that Brian was 95 and Justin's 83 and they've been together for 65 years. Because that's the only acceptable way for them to die, kthnx. ;)"

Hee, hee. Yes, precisely. Actually, that's why I have the line about them having been together for too many years to count. In my head, this is many, many years in the future, and Brian died of old age. And Justin, will, of course, be dead in a few months of a broken heart.

And I laughed so hard at your icon!

Date: 2007-09-12 11:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarahj2222.livejournal.com
You're first fanfic and you kill off Brian? What's next? Take it easy. lol Sarah

Date: 2007-09-13 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Well, my first QAF fic, anyway. And I know; I didn't mean to kill off Brian, and I promise my next fic will have them both alive and happy. Promise.

Date: 2007-09-13 12:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hannasch.livejournal.com
lovely. the basic idea of only finding happiness only in the moments you forget is quite wonderful and very sad. i do love sadness in fiction. without it you woud not know what happiness is about. thank you.

Date: 2007-09-13 01:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you for your feedback. It's strange how much you can enjoy the pain in fiction, isn't it? The beauty of all that pain is attractive only because it's not ours.

Date: 2007-09-13 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] freakykat.livejournal.com
Oh god, I'm crying and writting through blurring vision. That was goddamn raw and *there*. Right inside Justin anguish. It was breathtakingly gorgeous in all it's darkness.

It hurt.

Very well done.

Date: 2007-09-13 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
I am starting to feel more than a little guilty about making everybody cry. *shuffles feet and tries to hide* Sorry!

I don't want to say I'm glad it made you hurt, except that I really do, because that's what I was going for. 'Raw' is definitely a good word for Justin here, and I'm very pleased that came across.

every f-ing morning

Date: 2007-09-13 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bijou16.livejournal.com
hi kay,
that was stunning!! my heart is breaking for justin. if this is your first foray into fic writing i can't wait to see whats next.
this was just devastating.
teresa

Re: every f-ing morning

Date: 2007-09-13 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you! I've written other fanfics before, but not in this fandom. And I have to say, I think QAF fic has hooked me.

Date: 2007-09-13 03:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pendulumchanges.livejournal.com
*crying crying crying*

I started getting teary-eyed here - "I forget that it’s been so long there’s nothing left here that smells like you, anymore." (Our sense of smell is very strongly connected to our memories.) And I really liked this line - "then your absence slams into me like a semi into a semi-compact."

Until I got to the "bat-to-the-brain" line I still didn't know if it was Brian's or Justin's POV... which made it even better IMO. Take out that little hint and I could read it as Brian's POV and cry all over again.

When I read this part I completely broke down - "I still see you in the corners of the room and on the edges of my sight. I still feel you on the back of my neck and through the ends of my hair. (*sobs*) I still hear you behind me and just around the corner. You’re in every fucking stroke of my brush, every smudge of charcoal, every trail of my pencil." I love love LOVE this line especially - "I still hear you behind me and just around the corner."

And this, words fail me. Just beautifully written and so powerful - "I live for that moment, that split second in time, between sleep and awake, when I forget. When you’re there. When you’re here, you’re right here beside me, and that’s all I need.

Every fucking morning, just before I remember, I forget, and if that’s all I have, now, I’ll take it."

I rarely save things to my memories, but this is going in for that day when I need a good cry. Thank you so much!

Date: 2007-09-13 03:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Wow. Thank you so much. The lines you quoted were some of my favourites, and it makes me happy that they affected you so strongly. Thank you for taking the time to point out what really worked for you.

Your comments are all so flattering, and I don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate them. I feel so honoured that you are including this in your memories, and I am so glad you enjoyed this fic so much. :)

Date: 2007-09-13 10:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sandid.livejournal.com
Amazing on a couple of levels.

First, it didn't make me cry.
Second, it was quite good.

My husband died in January. Your words in some cases have actually been my thoughts. Eerie....I didn't cry. That's good.

Justin is still numb. I get that.

You should do more.

Date: 2007-09-13 11:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
I'm very sorry about your husband. It is both gratifying and humbling to know that some of what I have written has resonated with what you have experienced, and I am glad that it didn't make you cry.

Thank you very much for your kind and generous comments.

Date: 2007-09-13 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jans-intentions.livejournal.com
That's beautiful work.

Date: 2007-09-14 12:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you very much.

Date: 2007-09-15 10:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sawyerbaby.livejournal.com
You made me cry. This was beautiful, thank you.

Date: 2007-09-15 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
I'm glad you found it so powerful. Thank you for your wonderful comment.

Date: 2007-11-10 06:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fcukthesunshine.livejournal.com
OMG i cried from the first sentence. *sobbing* i'm crying like crazy right now! God you're good!

it's so so so fucking sad. God it's sad.

thank you!!!!

Date: 2007-11-10 10:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
*hands you an entire box of tissues*

Sorry! I know, though. It broke my heart to write this. The whole thing started with the title and then the rest wrote itself, and I really didn't want to write a death!fic as my first B/J fic, but what could I do?

Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback, though. It gave me a much-needed bit of encouragement to dive back into a story that's been frustrating me. Thank you! :)

Date: 2007-12-21 10:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jasmynstote-bag.livejournal.com
First BJ fic that made me cry. Though, you totally had me at Seperation because where I live in Portland, we have "Poetry in Motion" and basically its a bunch of poems hanging around randomly on the buses and that particular one is my absolute favorite. But seriously, totally just cried.





How upsetting.

Date: 2007-12-22 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
I'm sorry I made you cry, but I'm glad the emotion came across. It is a beautiful poem, and the moment I read it, this is what popped into my head.

Date: 2007-12-21 11:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] satisfecha.livejournal.com
I have no idea why I had to read this just before going to bed. And with a terribly sad song playing in the background! I'm pathetic! I KNEW I'd cry and I still read it... *g* Now I'm going to wake up tomorrow and go to work with my eyes all swollen from crying so hard.
But that doesn't matter! I don't think I ever read a better major character death fic. Quoting all my favorite lines would make this comment endless... which it already is, I guess...

Actually I just wanted to say: thank you for making me cry!

Date: 2007-12-22 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
You're welcome - although I feel like I should apologize for making you cry.

Don't worry. Most of my other B/J stories are happy or end happily, so you shouldn't need kleenex for those.

>>I don't think I ever read a better major character death fic.

Wow. Thank you. I still have no idea why this was my first inspiration for writing a B/J fic. Normally, death fics bother me, too, but I couldn't help myself; this story just popped into my head.

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From: [identity profile] satisfecha.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-12-22 02:06 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2008-01-19 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] starlightbj.livejournal.com
This was very real and heart wrenching. Poor Justin. He will never get over Brian even if he has other lovers.
It was a great read and you captured the pain, anger, sorrow and regret beautifully.

Date: 2008-01-19 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you!

It was a little odd for me to come right out of the gate into B/J fanfic with a death fic, but for whatever reason, it's the one idea I simply had to write, and that's what suckered me in. I'm so pleased you liked it.

Date: 2008-01-30 06:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chimosa.livejournal.com
Every fucking morning, just before I remember, I forget, and if that’s all I have, now, I’ll take it.
This part lingered with me after I read this piece- Justin living in that space of time in the mornings before he remembers, how that's all he has now that Brian is gone. There's something so beautiful and devastating about Justin living only in that one moment morning after morning after morning. Wonderful.

Date: 2008-01-31 02:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. I'm still quite proud of this little piece, especially since it was my first QAF fic. (I still don't know why I wrote a death!fic when I usually avoid them like the plague. LOL) Although there are a few things I would change if I were writing this, today, this remains one of my favourite of my B/J fics.

There's something so beautiful and devastating about Justin living only in that one moment morning after morning after morning.

It is devastating, and I'm glad that came across. I picture this as being many years in the future, when they had both become so essential to each other that they really didn't remember ever not having the other person there. Which makes it so much worse after Brian died. And it just made sense to me that Justin would never, ever get over that, and that he would live his whole life in those brief moments when Brian was still alive for him.

Date: 2008-03-02 02:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunshine63.livejournal.com
sad, indeed... but true and full of feeling!
I have to confess: I thought it was Brian speaking....
I realized it was Justin only when I read this "You’re in every fucking stroke of my brush, every smudge of charcoal, every trail of my pencil."
well done! you managed to express all the different shades of a great loss.
*on the way to the grocery store to buy tissues...*

Date: 2008-03-02 03:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
I'm sorry I made you cry, but I'm glad the emotion came across. I intended for the POV to be ambiguous at first, because both of them would be lost without the other, but it was always Justin's loss I wanted to write. I'm not sure why...maybe because he had enough near-death experiences of his own.

Thanks for reading, and for saying such nice things!

Every F-ing Morning

Date: 2010-01-21 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mitakay.livejournal.com
Wow- I just found this, and it was rip-out-my-heart amazing. Unfortunately, I have experienced first hand what it feels like to lose someone that you love, and you have captured those feelings of anguish and despair just beautifully.

Great job!

Re: Every F-ing Morning

Date: 2010-01-24 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you. It's always an honour to get feedback like yours, and I really appreciate it.

I'm still proud of this one. I can't believe I wrote death!fic for my first B/J story, but I do remember getting the flash of inspiration for this one and having it all come together effortlessly. Some people have thought it was Brian speaking until they reached that one line about the bat, but when I got the idea and when I started to write it in first-person POV, there was no doubt in my mind it was Justin speaking.

Date: 2010-05-25 03:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] 6frog.livejournal.com
I've just discovered this wonderful horde of treasure - all these stories.

I'm crying so much my throat is closing up. And I'm dreading the morning when Justin doesn't still have that tiny moment - when he knows immediately.

Very sad and beautiful.

Love from 6frog

Date: 2010-05-25 10:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybugkay.livejournal.com
Thank you. I'm still shocked that I killed one of them off in my very first QAF fic. But I am proud of it, anyway.

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